Monthly Archives: February 2016

135648941

Area Dad Quickly Googles Child’s Reference to Appear Hip Over Text

WESTBROOK, CT- “I’m not going to lie to you people, that was certainly a photo finish,” Paul Bringham, 52, told reporters after the incident. The trouble started when texted his daughter that he was thinking of getting enriched fertilizer for his yard, instead of the regular fertilizer. At which point, she texted him, “sure do […]

Weatherforcast

Weatherman Adds Tornado Category to Rain Forecast to “Spice Things Up”

PROVIDENCE, RI- After delivering yet another rainy, winter forecast, local weatherman Tim Davidson decided his viewers deserved something a little more. In what he later called “weather jazz,” Tim threw a good, old fashioned tornado warning up onto the weatherboard. “It just came to me,” he said of the literally unfounded meteorological finding. “I just […]

home-design

Woman Successfully Waits Until Oven Fully Preheated Before Putting In Food

BY KELLIE WOOD GEORGIA- Kathleen McCloud, 46, is being praised as a local hero after she waited for the oven to preheat fully before putting her family’s dinner in. Her husband Rick had nothing but praise for his wife. “I always knew she was a special woman. This just proves it.” Rick told us that […]

stack-dirty-dishes

New Study Finds It’s Your Turn To Do The Goddamn Dishes, Craig

NEW HAVEN, CT –Researchers have released new findings that reveal something that many thought impossible: it’s your freaking turn to clean the dishes, Craig. Independent experts agree that the dishes ratio of 95:5 is unhealthy for apartment relations. After careful study of the structural instability of the stack of bowls, cups, and forks, the panel of […]

Sad-Man

Area Man finishes “Breaking Bad” but Has No One To Talk About It With

BY-KELLIE WOOD NEW YORK- A local man has finally finished the critically acclaimed drama Breaking Bad but says finishing the series has brought more stress into his life. “It’s difficult because I can’t talk about it. All my friends and family finished the series a long time ago and have moved on. I haven’t.” The […]

Phone-Jeb

Angry Jeb Bush Leaves Voicemail for Satan: “We had a deal, mister.”

SOUTH CAROLINA-Immediately after announcing the suspension of his campaign, Jeb Bush was seen dialing the Prince of Hell backstage at his final rally. Jeb began to speak to the Dark Lord when it seemed as though he had been tricked by a false-answer voice mail message. After the beep finally sounded, an exasperated Jeb Bush […]