SOUTH CAROLINA-Immediately after announcing the suspension of his campaign, Jeb Bush was seen dialing the Prince of Hell backstage at his final rally. Jeb began to speak to the Dark Lord when it seemed as though he had been tricked by a false-answer voice mail message.
After the beep finally sounded, an exasperated Jeb Bush had some strong words for his Eternal Master, “Listen buster, you said if I sold my soul to you, I’d get to be president like George! Now just what the fudge happened?!”
Several Bush aides seemed just as disheartened, as they had also signed onto the multi-soul contract with their now ex-boss. One aide that spoke in anonymity had this to say: “After we failed to get 3% of the vote in Iowa, Jeb said we’d all get cabinet positions if we pitched in and sold our eternal souls to Satan. It was either that or a Trump presidency, so it seemed like the lesser of two evils.”
At press time, Bush was seen trying to enter a church to strike a counter deal with God, but turned away when he burned his hand by touching the Holy Water at the door.