Monthly Archives: March 2016

Teenage Couple Does One More Lap Around The Mall To Prove Love

BY KELLIE WOOD NORTHAMPTON, MA- The new hottest couple at Northampton High, Chad and Amanda, were spotted walking around the local mall on Friday. Prime date night. Eyewitnesses said the teens were  holding hands near Hot Topic. Matthew Smith, the assistant manager at the Spencers next door, spotted the couple several times during the night. […]

Local Construction Worker Crunches Numbers, Finds Catcalling Ineffective

BY BEN KOERTGE COLUMBIA, SC- Matt Kaminski, 31, a nineteen-year veteran of Fort Mill Construction, came to the startling realization that his lengthy utilization of catcalling lacks any semblance of efficiency. He stated, “ I figure I’m workin’ n’ catcallin’ about ten hours a day, and I see about fifteen women walk by an hour, […]

After Oscar Win, Leo Says Next Movie Will Be Whispering And Sitting Comfortably

  HOLLYWOOD, CA- Just a day after his Oscar win, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that his next movie will just be 90 minutes of him sitting comfortably on a chair. Throughout the entire film his voice will not raise above an “inside voice.” Without dropping any spoilers, the Revenant star said he looks forward to […]