Category Satire

Teenage Couple Does One More Lap Around The Mall To Prove Love

BY KELLIE WOOD NORTHAMPTON, MA- The new hottest couple at Northampton High, Chad and Amanda, were spotted walking around the local mall on Friday. Prime date night. Eyewitnesses said the teens were  holding hands near Hot Topic. Matthew Smith, the assistant manager at the Spencers next door, spotted the couple several times during the night. […]

After Oscar Win, Leo Says Next Movie Will Be Whispering And Sitting Comfortably

  HOLLYWOOD, CA- Just a day after his Oscar win, Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that his next movie will just be 90 minutes of him sitting comfortably on a chair. Throughout the entire film his voice will not raise above an “inside voice.” Without dropping any spoilers, the Revenant star said he looks forward to […]

Area Dad Quickly Googles Child’s Reference to Appear Hip Over Text

WESTBROOK, CT- “I’m not going to lie to you people, that was certainly a photo finish,” Paul Bringham, 52, told reporters after the incident. The trouble started when texted his daughter that he was thinking of getting enriched fertilizer for his yard, instead of the regular fertilizer. At which point, she texted him, “sure do […]

Woman Successfully Waits Until Oven Fully Preheated Before Putting In Food

BY KELLIE WOOD GEORGIA- Kathleen McCloud, 46, is being praised as a local hero after she waited for the oven to preheat fully before putting her family’s dinner in. Her husband Rick had nothing but praise for his wife. “I always knew she was a special woman. This just proves it.” Rick told us that […]

New Study Finds It’s Your Turn To Do The Goddamn Dishes, Craig

NEW HAVEN, CT –Researchers have released new findings that reveal something that many thought impossible: it’s your freaking turn to clean the dishes, Craig. Independent experts agree that the dishes ratio of 95:5 is unhealthy for apartment relations. After careful study of the structural instability of the stack of bowls, cups, and forks, the panel of […]

Area Man finishes “Breaking Bad” but Has No One To Talk About It With

BY-KELLIE WOOD NEW YORK- A local man has finally finished the critically acclaimed drama Breaking Bad but says finishing the series has brought more stress into his life. “It’s difficult because I can’t talk about it. All my friends and family finished the series a long time ago and have moved on. I haven’t.” The […]

“I’ve really been feeling the Kazoo lately,” says John Williams of new Star Wars score

LOS ANGELES- The hype around the arrival of the seventh installation of the Star Wars franchise peaked earlier this week with John Williams’ admission that the new score will prominently feature kazoos. “If you play them really loud they tickle your lips, how great is that?” Williams responded when he was asked how he came […]